Finding Quiet: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.7.18
Meditation has not always been my thing. And I’m still far from having the consistent hang of it. I often think about a time maybe a year ago at work when a few of us did a 10 min silent meditation together to start the day, and at the end of it, someone in our circle turned to me and said, “I’m surprised you were able to sit through all of it!” I felt a little huffy and defensive. “I am totally able to sit still and be quiet! I’m quiet all the time at work!” Half jokingly challenging her, and half wondering if that’s really what people thought of me. “I just mean you’re kind of like a fluttery little butterfly, always bouncing around.” Hmm. I guess I could see that. I decided to take it as a compliment whether it was meant that way or not.
In describing my mind and my body, the first word that came to me was “buzzy.” The second one was “incessant” lol and the third one was “excited.” Lots of high energy imagery to say the least. Luckily it’s not an anxious buzzing energy flowing through my brain and body, but even with eager excitement and constant processing coursing through me, my being craves a pause button for it all. And that’s why I feel increasingly drawn towards meditation these days.
I would like to blame technology, the massive influx of information constantly available to us at any given moment, and the general advancement of society, but I know I am also a complicit consumer of this nonstop stimulation. Lately I’ve been aware of my need to always be entertained by something. Podcasts, Netflix, audio books, Instagram. And it’s because they feed me intellectually and spiritually for the most part (not sure where Schitt’s Creek falls in there, but I want to believe that David Rose speaks to me on a spiritual level). I listen to podcasts and books that challenge my thinking and inspire me to be better at things in life. I follow people on IG that are activists and creating beautiful art and posting important memes (heh), and then on top of this there is a steady stream of thoughts always flowing through my brain. I often wonder where the number of words running through my head falls on the “Average Thoughts Per Day” scale of other humans’ because I’m scared my number is alarmingly high. (Has anyone measured this?)
Anyways, all that’s to say that the more my excited brain activity ramps up, the more I realize the beautiful necessity of stopping, sitting, breathing, and sloooooowing my thoughts
I find myself craving a direct line to Jesus, to the truth and wisdom that’s nestled deep inside my chest and my gut, that’s only audible once my breathing has deepened, my eyes are closed, my thoughts are acknowledged but not entertained, and I allow myself to float into a still and gentle place. Since I receive comfort through physical touch, and that is not readily available to me in this stage in life, I imagine the feeling of my Cosmic Comforter slowly rubbing my back with a strong yet gentle hand. And will sometimes run my own hand over my arms and back in a maternal and soothing act of caring for myself. It’s in this holy place that I find my unshakeable worth, the quieting of my soul, answers to my questions - big or small - and gentle nudgings on what to do next.
I want this practice to become as easy and accessible as throwing a figurative invisibility cloak over myself – anytime and anywhere I need to retreat into a still, calming place. The thought alone of having this ability brings me so much peace.
Tonight I’m choosing to fall asleep to the gentle chorus of the phrase “You are safe and you are loved” being spoken over me repeatedly - lulling me even deeper into calm, into quiet, into surrender.