Faith. Religion. Christianity. Jesus. Intuition. Logic. Questions. Doubt. Mysticism. Fear. Release. Freedom. Peace. Stillness.
My thoughts have circled around these topics a lot in the last few months. My faith has always been the most certain and core part of my being for my whole life. And I’d argue it still is, at least the importance of being connected to a bigger Source and connected to the spiritual realms that surround me at all times. But it’s shifted more than it ever has in these months as well. Not just shifted, but expanded. It’s felt really beautiful and freeing. A truer connection to the Holy Spirit that resides inside me as I constantly turn to her for guidance and strip away outside voices or deep-seated traditions or beliefs that have been left un-questioned.
While it feels like I’m moving forward in my faith, in a more expansive and holy direction, it feels as if I am doing it on tip-toes, looking behind me often to check on what others might think – the family who raised me, people from the church, non-Christians, really anyone who I (probably inaccurately) think might be watching me live out my faith, as if their thoughts about it have anything to do with where my heart is.
There is something unnerving about an unraveling of it all, no matter how necessary and beautiful it may be. Because to shift and shake up a core that’s been so deeply intertwined around every fiber of your being is a loss of identity in a way. So it’s felt scary at times, not even knowing if I’m allowed to question the things that I am. But the answer I always seem to hear in return is: “bigger, bigger, bigger. I AM bigger than you could ever begin to imagine. And I AM here no matter what.” So the fear is usually quickly met with comfort and peace, and I continue to feel invited deeper into these spaces and thoughts and questions.
What’s helped the most during this season has been not having to keep this journey inward, but to not only process it with trusted friends on similar paths, but to find others out in the world who are putting words to the sometimes foggy hurricane of thoughts overtaking my brain. The most helpful and timely teachers outside my inner circle that came to me in the most timely manners were Jedediah Jenkins (on this podcast, and then his whole audio book of “To Shake the Sleeping Self”), Richard Rohr and his teachings (currently reading and enjoying “Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer”) and the 4 part series on the Liturgists Podcast titled “Christian” (Part 1 starts here). It is such a gift to have these voices walking alongside me, reassuring me in my non-aloneness of doubts and questions.
There is so much more I could say, but for now an initial acknowledgment of these thoughts feels enough. So until next time, all the peace and love to you.