Good Daydream Day: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.12.18

Today was a good day. A good dream day. A good daydream day? Anyways…what I mean is that I spent a good chunk of time working towards dream ideas of mine, and I felt like I saw them move in tangible directions and that felt really nice. I wrote a new blog post (coming soon), I did some planning around a business venture that’s been slowly in the works, and I started to organize an event for a social justice issue that’s near and dear to my heart at the moment. And that felt effing great to start putting action to anger and channel rage-y feelings into powerful and hopeful steps.

So I’m feeling the residual buzz of the joy that comes from doing the kind of work my soul loves doing too. And I’m letting myself get carried away with the snowballing of daydream thoughts rolling through my brain. In a good way. Some days they feel a lot more like a pack of wild butterflies encircling my body that I’m trying to lasso with a rope as useless as a piece of floss. But today I feel clear and focused, with my thoughts neatly organized into lanes like that of a luge track, watching them glide easily and quickly down the hill.

So I will celebrate this good day and the clarity that came after asking for it nicely just yesterday. I will celebrate by watching an ep from season 2 of Making a Murderer, and by snuggling with my hot water bottle which has quickly become my lover and new best friend. Have I talked about that here yet? If not, get ready for the parade of love sonnets I’m prepared to dedicate to it. It’s everything to me.

Till tomorrow, dreamers.

Don't Worry: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.11.18

I know I missed a day but it was because I was busy hanging with friends so I don’t feel too bad about it. And to be honest I don’t feel too excited about writing at the moment because I mostly just want to get a post up so I can finish watching The Emperor’s New Groove that Tara and I started last night.

But I have been thinking about what this upcoming week will look like, and the concept of worry and discerning what your inner voice is speaking to you. As I’ve mentioned before, I feel stuck in the middle of not settling for a job just for having a job’s sake, and of waiting on the voice that’s telling me to hold out for something that’s more in line with things I want to be doing – writing, hosting, event/retreat planning, things that promote and instill wholeness, freedom and healing in others.

(Ah, it’s 11:11 on 11/11 right now so I’m making a big-time wish : )

I very much understand how others (and my ego at times too) think it’s silly and wishful thinking to not take a more proactive stance when it comes to searching for a job, especially when I have no foreseeable income directed my way the rest of this month. But my deep inner being – the same place where I experience feelings of peace and rest and excitement – seems to tell me otherwise. That it’s ok to hold out for a more aligned next step in my career, and that my needs will be met without me having to worry or effort towards them.

So for now I’m continuing to surrender these things and actively choosing not to worry, working on doing things that bring me alignment and get me in a good place (including actually going to two of my happy places this week – Morning Lavender duh, and the desert), and sitting and listening for that voice to guide me to each right next step, even when I can’t see the end of the story. Excited for what’s to come (and for clarity – please God bring me clarity. And money). K, Emperor’s New Groove time.

The Bestie Parts of My Life: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.9.18

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It’s one of my bestie’s birthdays today – sweet Kalee who co-hosts the “Hi Friend” podcast with me and who has also been my neighbor on this island for almost 7 years because God is good and he loves me – and yesterday I celebrated another bestie’s birthday (hey-ooo Jess) and so all this bestie celebrating has me thinking about the girlfriends in my life.

I have lots of BFF’s, which I understand doesn’t properly adhere to the superlative of “best” friend. Picking a maid of honor someday will be next to impossible. Probably won’t actually. The reason I call so many of these women my best friend (I can think of about 7 right now that I would give this title to) is because each of these amazing women occupy such a different space of my heart in such a special way. The ones who have known me since kindergarten and who have grown up with my family and who know every awkward stage I’ve ever been in, the ones who became my best friend in an instant, feeling as if “destined soulmate bestie” is a far more suitable title, the ones who I’ve spent seasons apart from but who’ve returned and our friendship is richer than ever, the ones who I get along with almost too perfectly and have helped set my husband compatibility standard, the ones who I go to for wisdom, for laughter, for processing, for comfort, for deep conversations, for materialistic and surface-level conversations, etc., etc., etc. It’s all such a gift to me.

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A lot of these friendships are a part of my alignment rituals. Just thinking about one of these friends in particular, or a time we’ve shared together, or something loving they’ve said to me, is something I draw on when I need a love boost, or to get into a better mood. It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful to still be single at this age in my life. Because when I’ve lacked a constant partner, I’ve seen the beauty of my relational needs being met in the incredible tapestry of multiple women’s spirits joining in partnership with mine. Women who have held me and cheered for me, and listened to me and moved mattresses for me when I couldn’t do it alone. I’ve learned the act of humility by surrendering to my pride and asking for things that I need. Whether that’s a ride home from the airport or someone to spend the night with me when I don’t want to be alone. This season of life is not what I thought it was going to look like 10 years ago. The truth is that it’s even richer and more multi-dimensional than I could have ever imagined.

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And celebrating my friends’ birthdays is my favorite because it’s so easy to celebrate someone and something that is one of the most life-giving parts of my life. Thank you to each and every one of you, dear friends. For loving me and partnering with me so well and making this life as beautiful as it is.

Let This Be the Last Time: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.8.18

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Today’s news of yesterday’s shooting at the line-dancing bar in Thousand Oaks was particularly rough to stomach. Every mass shooting is gut-wrenchingly devastating, but ones that we can place ourselves in, or where we are more directly connected to the victims (I had friends who lost friends there that night) seem to amplify the sadness and anger and fear that much more. Country music, dancing, a “safe” town. These are all things we should be able to freely enjoy and take for granted. I don’t want to be afraid to go to my favorite bars, to enjoy singing with friends at Stagecoach, to worship in church on a Sunday morning, to go to a sporting event, a movie, to send my kids to school someday. We shouldn’t have to look for exits at stadiums or theaters to plan our escape if something horrible were to go wrong. Or think through what we would do if a shooter were to walk in a room. But in America this is our reality now when the news is littered with these nightmarish headlines. You may say you’re not going to let fear win, and that we shouldn’t choose to focus on the worst case scenario, but how many more times will this happen, how many degrees of separation til it gets to your own kin until you decide it’s time to take drastic measures? I’m too tired to try to engage the gun laws conversation in my words at the moment. And I know there are deeper heart and mind issues that need to be addressed and approached with urgent and gentle care. But these mountains aren’t un-scalable. And we need people who are up for the task. I’m so hopeful that we’ll be the generation that brings the utter demolition of mass shootings, and all murders by guns for that matter. Let’s fight with a certainty that believes and says, “This is the very last time.” Rest in peace dear ones. I promise to keep fighting in your honor.

Finding Quiet: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.7.18

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Meditation has not always been my thing. And I’m still far from having the consistent hang of it. I often think about a time maybe a year ago at work when a few of us did a 10 min silent meditation together to start the day, and at the end of it, someone in our circle turned to me and said, “I’m surprised you were able to sit through all of it!” I felt a little huffy and defensive. “I am totally able to sit still and be quiet! I’m quiet all the time at work!” Half jokingly challenging her, and half wondering if that’s really what people thought of me. “I just mean you’re kind of like a fluttery little butterfly, always bouncing around.” Hmm. I guess I could see that. I decided to take it as a compliment whether it was meant that way or not.

In describing my mind and my body, the first word that came to me was “buzzy.” The second one was “incessant” lol and the third one was “excited.” Lots of high energy imagery to say the least. Luckily it’s not an anxious buzzing energy flowing through my brain and body, but even with eager excitement and constant processing coursing through me, my being craves a pause button for it all. And that’s why I feel increasingly drawn towards meditation these days.

I would like to blame technology, the massive influx of information constantly available to us at any given moment, and the general advancement of society, but I know I am also a complicit consumer of this nonstop stimulation. Lately I’ve been aware of my need to always be entertained by something. Podcasts, Netflix, audio books, Instagram. And it’s because they feed me intellectually and spiritually for the most part (not sure where Schitt’s Creek falls in there, but I want to believe that David Rose speaks to me on a spiritual level). I listen to podcasts and books that challenge my thinking and inspire me to be better at things in life. I follow people on IG that are activists and creating beautiful art and posting important memes (heh), and then on top of this there is a steady stream of thoughts always flowing through my brain. I often wonder where the number of words running through my head falls on the “Average Thoughts Per Day” scale of other humans’ because I’m scared my number is alarmingly high. (Has anyone measured this?)

Anyways, all that’s to say that the more my excited brain activity ramps up, the more I realize the beautiful necessity of stopping, sitting, breathing, and sloooooowing my thoughts

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down.

I find myself craving a direct line to Jesus, to the truth and wisdom that’s nestled deep inside my chest and my gut, that’s only audible once my breathing has deepened, my eyes are closed, my thoughts are acknowledged but not entertained, and I allow myself to float into a still and gentle place. Since I receive comfort through physical touch, and that is not readily available to me in this stage in life, I imagine the feeling of my Cosmic Comforter slowly rubbing my back with a strong yet gentle hand. And will sometimes run my own hand over my arms and back in a maternal and soothing act of caring for myself. It’s in this holy place that I find my unshakeable worth, the quieting of my soul, answers to my questions - big or small - and gentle nudgings on what to do next.

I want this practice to become as easy and accessible as throwing a figurative invisibility cloak over myself – anytime and anywhere I need to retreat into a still, calming place. The thought alone of having this ability brings me so much peace.

Tonight I’m choosing to fall asleep to the gentle chorus of the phrase “You are safe and you are loved” being spoken over me repeatedly - lulling me even deeper into calm, into quiet, into surrender.

Upward Spiral: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.6.18

Remember yesterday when I said I didn’t mind the hours cutback with my freelance job because it gave me time to focus on other things? Well I think the Universe must have read that and thought, “Oh so that’s what you want? Perfect! I’ll just pause that role completely for you then!” And so that’s what happened today lol. Like hours went from 10/week to 0. But honestly I have so much peace around it all, an alarming amount actually, because I feel that each step in this journey is getting me closer to where I want to be. There is a part of my brain of course that keeps reminding me that it will take money to pay rent and buy food and all that, but I’m trying this crazy new route of just believing everything’s going to work out. Things have been provided for me up til this point, and I keep focusing on God’s abundance in my life and how much I’ve been given and how my needs are always met and then choose not to worry about where my next source of income will come from, I just believe it will be there when I need it.

I went on a walk around the island today, with the intention of focusing on abundance and gratitude as I walked, and I played T.I. and Rihanna’s “Live Your Life” loudly in my ears because I heard it in my yoga class this morning (yogalates, not like vinyasa yoga) and I remembered how much this song pumps me up. And then I listened to my other songs that put me in a good mood and my day continued to spiral up from there. High vibes times a million. I just can’t get over what a fun stage of life this is. It feels so good to feel so good. And nothing feels more exciting at the moment than the thought of pursuing my dream life and having the pieces revealed to me bit by bit.

Well maybe thinking about how I’m going back to Morning Lavender for the 3rd time in 6 days tomorrow. That’s a close second in this moment. Off to dreamland so I can get there even quicker.

When to Wait and When to Move: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.5.18

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The reason I’ve had way more time to flit about lately and get to do things on my own schedule is because starting last month, my hours for my freelance marketing job went from 20/week to 10/week and stayed the same into November. I was hoping it would only be a temporary shift for one month, but now that it’s crossed into two, I’m aware that the amount of finances that’s providing is not enough.

It’s tough though because I’m not upset about the hours cutback. I actually really enjoy having free time weighted on my side to spend my days how I want, and to get more time to write and have space freed up for other things that bring me joy. But I also would like money flowing my way of course. So I’m in a place of holding. I want to believe that anything is possible, and not revert back to work that doesn’t feel aligned for me just to make money. And I also believe that abundance and money can come from anywhere, not just an hourly or salaried job.

I’ve stopped and checked in with my intuition many times when trying to determine what my next steps should be in looking for a job or an additional source of income. And for now the only answer I continue to hear is “write.” Which is maybe why I am now writing with some sort of feverish determination. I’ve struggled with resistance in the past around writing and publishing even though that still, small inner voice has often always told me to “write,” and so for me this consistent flow of thoughts to paper is new and exciting.

I don’t have any clarity on what comes after that – what exactly to write about, where to write these things, how that will earn me any money. But I do know that I feel clear about the joy it gives me, and I’m proud of myself for stepping firmly out of that resistance for the time being. Honestly I’m sure it’s even overkill on some level - to go from posting once every couple of months to once a day. But I’m going to keep saying “yes” one day at a time to what’s put on my heart, and trust that God is working on weaving all the details together on his end into a clear and beautiful story that will fully unfold before me when the timing is just perfect. I can’t wait to hear (and write) what comes next.

Alignment Before Action

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One of the biggest “un-learnings” I’ve done in the last several months has been to get rid of the belief that hard work is the only thing that leads to success, or to making money. That you have to work X amount of hours per week or struggle and force yourself through unpleasant tasks that kind of feel like you’re trying to force a square peg in a round hole. And I’ve been learning that there’s a much more beautiful and fun way to approach work and to tackling each day.

While I enjoyed certain aspects of my marketing job, and putting myself into new and unfamiliar situations in order to push myself and grow, there were a good amount of times, especially at the end, where I felt like I was willing myself to be something I wasn’t. Of course there’s a difference between pushing through discomfort to get to growth, or an end result that’s in line with a desire of yours. But I’ve come to believe that we’re not created to live lives constantly filled with struggle and resistance, especially when it comes to our vocations.

This flies in the face of the way we’re raised at times, and especially in what we’re used to seeing and hearing from our [American] culture. The American Dream is to work hard and prosper, right? Our lives typically revolve around work, and very few of us stop to ask if this is even working for us, we just accept it and keep pushing through it.

There is nothing wrong with working hard, or wanting to make money – especially if those are things that bring you a lot of joy and excitement, I just want to introduce a new way to approach work and money, something that has shifted the game for me, and that I know I’ll continue to talk about here. The practice I’ve been implementing into my life is alignment before action. (Not a concept that I made up). I learned about this practice from Jess Lively, who had learned about it from Abraham Hicks, and I have the privilege of getting to dialogue about it with my bestie Jessie as well. Here’s the simple premise of it: Allow yourself to get into alignment (aka a good mood or a good place emotionally/spiritually/physically) before starting your day, tackling work that needs your attention, or when you are lacking inspiration or motivation. The reason being that the best work and versions of yourself flow much more effortlessly when you’re in a good place vibrationally (just meaning your emotions are higher on the vibrational scale). You end up spending less time “efforting” and more time doing things that feel good, and you get to watch your productivity and quality of work increase, while spending even less time actually “working.”

So what does that look like practically? Literally just doing whatever makes you the happiest and speaks to your soul in a life-giving way. So some days that can be taking yourself out to breakfast or just knowing you’re going to make yourself a chocolate croissant for breakfast. Reading a book that fills you with wisdom and peace. Praying. Connecting with a Higher Source. I meditate on the feeling of being filled with perfect love and the truth that I am fully loved by the God of the Universe until I can feel the feeling coursing through my body. Some days I just want to go for a walk. I read different books as my “devotions.” I used to always feel like I had to be reading specifically from the Bible otherwise I was just reading watered down spirituality. But truthfully I had a hard time connecting to those words, and sometimes I still do. Single verses are still very much apart of my mantras and meditations and alignment routines that bring me closer to God. But I’ve expanded those routines and sources to books written by spiritual teachers I love (currently into Richard Rohr) or books about consciousness and spirituality and varying viewpoints on it all. Podcasts are also a big part of my alignment times. The Lively Show, the Liturgists, My Favorite Murder lol.

Music is another big part of alignment. You know the songs that put you in a good mood or make you want to dance no matter what? Listening to just one or two of those in the morning or on the way to work or to wherever you are going can be so mood-altering. Some mornings I need to dance out all the energy I have in me, and so I know my go-to songs to put on to do just that (I’ll share my High Vibes playlist here in a future post). Your location and surroundings can so affect your mood and work as well. When I am somewhere beautiful or calming, I find that I’m in a much better (emotional) place to tackle whatever it is I need to, or to quickly get into an inspired state. I recently discovered Morning Lavender which is a shop and café a little further from my house than I’m used to traveling to, but when I first visited it, I was so enchanted and delighted by it, I found new dreams popping into my brain and words flowing freely from my fingers as I went to write. Not a surprise I’m back here again as I type this.

I recently wrote out a list of the things that help bring me into alignment – whether they’re thoughts I focus on, routines or rituals I do, things I eat, songs I listen to, clothes I wear, etc. that all help boost my mood, and ensure I’m in the best place possible before approaching my day, or if I need a mood shift midday. I’ll share that eventually in case it gives you ideas of things that would work for you :) Not only has this practice changed the way I approach and produce work in my life, but it has massively boosted my happiness levels - even though I would have previously considered myself to be a generally happy person - allowing me to live in a somewhat constant state of awe, wonder, delight and gratitude. It’s the best and I can’t wait to keep sharing more :)

xoxo,

Sara B.

Mr. Rogers: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.4.18

 Photo by Jim Judkis

Photo by Jim Judkis

After having it on my list for awhile now, I finally rented the Mr. Rogers documentary: “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” and watched it with Kalee this afternoon. It was the most moving movie I have seen in a very long time. I found myself crying multiple times throughout the film, so warmed by the fact that a man of this caliber existed and lived out his beautiful convictions with such determination and gentleness. He truly was revolutionary in the way he thought and lived and loved everyone he came into contact with. His heart for children was so pure, and yet so profound. Caring so deeply for their feelings and validating their worth with every chance he could get. I loved this line from him in the movie:

“The greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they're loved and capable of loving.”

I found myself wanting to take notes throughout the whole movie and was so inspired in my own dreams of wanting to instill a deep sense of worth and self-love and acceptance into the hearts of every human. In all that is going on in this world, his simple approach to loving others and helping kids (and adults) learn how to cope and respond to the hard emotions and questions we’ll face in this life gave me a soaring amount of hope for humanity and how we can move forward in love during these times. I truly could not recommend a movie more.

Gaining Your Faith: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.3.18

Faith. Religion. Christianity. Jesus. Intuition. Logic. Questions. Doubt. Mysticism. Fear. Release. Freedom. Peace. Stillness.

 It’s this special one’s birthday today, and she is also my go-to faith-processing friend that I don’t know what I’d do without. Love you, Jessie.

It’s this special one’s birthday today, and she is also my go-to faith-processing friend that I don’t know what I’d do without. Love you, Jessie.

My thoughts have circled around these topics a lot in the last few months. My faith has always been the most certain and core part of my being for my whole life. And I’d argue it still is, at least the importance of being connected to a bigger Source and connected to the spiritual realms that surround me at all times. But it’s shifted more than it ever has in these months as well. Not just shifted, but expanded. It’s felt really beautiful and freeing. A truer connection to the Holy Spirit that resides inside me as I constantly turn to her for guidance and strip away outside voices or deep-seated traditions or beliefs that have been left un-questioned.

While it feels like I’m moving forward in my faith, in a more expansive and holy direction, it feels as if I am doing it on tip-toes, looking behind me often to check on what others might think – the family who raised me, people from the church, non-Christians, really anyone who I (probably inaccurately) think might be watching me live out my faith, as if their thoughts about it have anything to do with where my heart is.

There is something unnerving about an unraveling of it all, no matter how necessary and beautiful it may be. Because to shift and shake up a core that’s been so deeply intertwined around every fiber of your being is a loss of identity in a way. So it’s felt scary at times, not even knowing if I’m allowed to question the things that I am. But the answer I always seem to hear in return is: “bigger, bigger, bigger. I AM bigger than you could ever begin to imagine. And I AM here no matter what.” So the fear is usually quickly met with comfort and peace, and I continue to feel invited deeper into these spaces and thoughts and questions.

What’s helped the most during this season has been not having to keep this journey inward, but to not only process it with trusted friends on similar paths, but to find others out in the world who are putting words to the sometimes foggy hurricane of thoughts overtaking my brain. The most helpful and timely teachers outside my inner circle that came to me in the most timely manners were Jedediah Jenkins (on this podcast, and then his whole audio book of “To Shake the Sleeping Self”), Richard Rohr and his teachings (currently reading and enjoying “Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer”) and the 4 part series on the Liturgists Podcast titled “Christian” (Part 1 starts here). It is such a gift to have these voices walking alongside me, reassuring me in my non-aloneness of doubts and questions.

There is so much more I could say, but for now an initial acknowledgment of these thoughts feels enough. So until next time, all the peace and love to you.

Heaven House: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.2.18

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My body felt as if it might start levitating with all of the electricity and energy coursing through it. This boutique and café (Morning Lavender) literally feels like it was custom-made for me. Bright whites, pink floral wallpaper, chandeliers, beautiful drinks and cups, a flower wall with pink neon writing, white marble tables and countertops, gold details sprinkled in here and there, blush colored plush booth seating against the wall. The shop had lace crop tops paired with tulle skirts and delicious smelling candles, and cozy soft sweaters and the pretty cards you want to give your friends, a print of a fiddle leaf fig that was darling and begging to be put on my gallery wall. The girl behind the counter at the café was one of the loveliest people I have met. Her gold-tinged red hair mirrored her sunny disposition as she detailed the menu to me and called me by name and bopped around offering to take pics of all the customers who were equally as enamored with each of the instagrammable corners of this place as I was. “Is this heaven?” I kept wondering. I texted Jess my feelings and sent her pics cuz she understands what it’s like to have those perfect aligning moments and she freaked out for me on my behalf and said, “This is what your heaven house looks like in my head!!!!!!!” And so of course tears sprung to my already almost-teary eyes. Friends who understand your deepest joys and know you – is there anything better?

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I truly couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. While simultaneously feeling like I had to hold back tears because I started having visions of wanting to open my “Perfect Sara” space someday. A light and bright shop with natural light and white marble and gold and glass light fixtures. Gorgeous candles burning at all times. Perfectly delicious and unique drinks that people want to take pictures of and also enjoy every second of drinking. Healthy and simple food options that are wholesome and comforting. A champagne and wine bar with beautiful glasses. Those old fashioned champagne glasses (called coupes – just looked it up ;) with delicate gold rims. And the perfect stemmed, slightly oversized red wine glasses that feel so good in your hand. White flowers and greenery in all the vases, fiddle leaf fig plants in bold pots, an outdoor patio that’s quaint and intimate with bistro lights lighting it up at night. A little shop attached to the café/bar that had perfectly curated home and fashion items. Chic throw blankets and scarves that look like they could be interchangeable, my favorite candles burning (the Jonathan Adler “Champagne” candle if you must know), woodsy, buttery palo santo sticks, rose quartz crystals and amethysts, tulle skirts and sequined party dresses, high heels and delicate jewelry and natural skincare that’s good for your body and aesthetically pleasing for your bathroom. Sigh, I want it all.

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While my mind was quickly running away with itself, picturing this dream store on a tiny main street somewhere that’s walk-able from my home, I tried to bring myself back down to earth with thoughts of events I could even host right from here. People who I could invite into this feeling with me. I always return to hosting as something I feel meant to do, something that always fills me up rather than drains me. So maybe all these different dreams can come to fruition in their own ways and in their own time. But maybe for now I just realize it’s worth it to make the 20 min drive to this place if it’s going to light me up in this incredibly delicious and magical way and let my work and dreams flow from there…

Indulgent Enjoyment: Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit 11.1.18

I’d like to welcome you to my own personal writing challenge. I wrote this first “entry” not meaning to publish it, but as a free-write exercise I do for myself sometimes. But then I re-read it and decided to share it, and subsequent daily musings from this season of my life moving forward. Shooting for one month of consistent writing since I conveniently wrote the first one on 11/1 (and 3 ones in a row make me happy ;). “Diary of a Free-Flowing Spirit” came to mind as a title, because while I wouldn’t exactly choose to label myself as a “free spirit” (those that know me are most likely giggling in agreement), I am absolutely reveling in what it looks and feels like to be someone who is flowing freely through life right now. So here are my raw and unedited thoughts on it.

Love and sparkles,

Sara

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Life has been so funny lately. With hardly any work or daytime plans, my days are wide open and filled with a somewhat self-indulgent schedule. Today I took a yoga class at 8:15am, I met Jessie for coffee at Pacific City and we had nonstop conversations for almost 3 hours, then I went home and made lunch and cleaned up from our party a bit and then continued binging on Schitt’s Creek, then had a good convo with Steph for awhile, then back to the show, with a little laundry thrown in, a sprint down to the water to watch the most incredible sunset unfold before me, dinner eventually, I baked cinnamon sugar muffins cuz November and cuz why not, had a nice long convo with Mama, listened to multiple podcasts today, spent more time than I wanted to on my phone, took my time getting ready for bed (like all the skincare steps, including putting body oil on my ears cuz when else do those guys get any love??) and am now sitting here with a face mask on, writing and wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket with no pressure to go to bed anytime soon since I have nothing to wake up for tomorrow lol. And honestly I love every second of it. There are some moments of guilt, but truthfully not a lot of stress for not making more money or working more. I’m letting myself just actually enjoy every minute of not living a “normal” life right now. There are no schedule restrictions placed on me, I’m letting myself figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing next, and I’m enjoying all the lovely details of my days, big and small.

Last night was Heaven with our annual Halloween dinner, and the biggest dinner table we’ve had to date. I could do that all the time. Plan dinners and parties that bring people together and bring out good conversations and laughter. I loved dreaming about the idea with Jess today too, and talking about things we’d love to do together. I have all these dreams and ideas and excitements but am still just not very sure how they’re all supposed to come together. I trust that things will be revealed to me in time, but I do worry about wasting my time or not doing more with it to help others, and that I’m living a life that’s too self-focused. But yet in a lot of ways, it’s the most joy-filled and free and fun season I’ve had in as long as I can remember.

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A lot of times I feel like I need to be accomplishing something or doing something more productive, but then I always return to the idea of just letting myself enjoy whatever it is I’m doing in that moment. I can’t even imagine having to go into a job every day after living this life that I’ve had the past 6 months. I know I’m not rolling in the dough but I’m getting by and the quality of life increase is so so worth it.

Going to keep living with open hands and take each day as it comes and continue being so grateful for this space in my life to slow down and take it all in and watch as God provides and live in a place of being uncertain of what each new day will bring. And I’m also gonna go and watch Schitt’s Creek till I fall asleep. Cuz I want to.